Job Postings: What They Say vs. What They Really Mean

It’s a good time to translate job postings — from what they say…to what they really mean.

Now that job-seekers supposedly have the upper hand in the labor market, it’s a good time to translate job postings — from what they say…to what they really mean.

1. They say: Thrives in a fast-paced environment. They mean: Won’t complain about the chaos.

2. They say: Proficiency with MS Office. They mean: We’ll take anyone.

3. They say: We’re looking for a rock star! They mean: A-holes encouraged to apply!

4. They say: Can work independently. They mean: We don’t really know what this job is.

5. They say: Free catered lunches. They mean: We lock you in the office from 8am to 6pm.

6. They say: We work hard and play hard. They mean: All we ever do is work.

7. They say: Salary commensurate with experience. They mean: We’re embarrassed to say.

8. They say: Must be able to sit for long periods of time. They mean: Our health plan excludes chiropractic.

9. They say: …and lift up to 50 lbs. They mean: We have some heavy boxes we need moved.

10. They say: Apply via our online portal. They mean: Pack your résumé with keywords and pray to the AI gods.

11. They say: We encourage applicants regardless of race, gender identity, age, disability… They mean: Please disregard the preponderance of middle-aged white guys featured on our “Leadership Team” web page.

12. They say: Currently remote, may become an in-office role. They mean: What’s happening? Where are we?

13. They say: Travel up to 50% of the time. They mean: Zoom? What’s that?

14. They say: Excellent verbal and written communication skills. They mean: Our policy prohibits use of the word “oral.”

15. They say: Seeking a self-starter. They mean: We don’t believe in that whole “training” fad.

16. They say: Can communicate complex analytics to diverse audiences. They mean: Can explain data you don’t understand to people who don’t really care.

17. They say: Unlimited PTO. They mean: Our finance guy figured out a way to clear accrued vacation time off our books.

18. They say: We’re the first unicorn company in our industry. They mean: We poop rainbows, and it don’t stink.

19. They say: We’re valued at more than 1 billion dollars. They mean: We’ve no hopes of ever making a profit.

20. They say: The ideal candidate will have… They mean: We sacked the last guy when we realized we’d forgotten to ask about…

21. They say: We’re looking for an energetic, motivated person. They mean: We’re eliminating free Red Bull from the break room.

22. They say: Lots of opportunity for advancement. We like to hire internally. They mean: This job has already been filled. This job announcement is a formality.

23. They say: Anticipated job opening. They mean: The current job-holder is ghosting us.

24. They say: We’re looking for a recent college grad to own strategy. They mean: We’re looking for someone who’ll tolerate low pay and unbearable pressure.

25. They say: Hybrid work environment. They mean: Your workstation is an escape room.

26. They say: This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. They mean: Our non-compete “agreement” destines your career for a death spiral if you have the audacity to leave us.