Layoff Notices: What They Say and What They Really Mean
Real quotes from layoff notices tech CEOs sent to their employees… along with translations to what they may really mean.
Real quotes from layoff notices the CEOs of Salesforce, Amazon, Google, Microsoft, and Meta each sent to their employees… along with translations to what they might really mean:
From Marc Benioff, Salesforce
They said: “We’ve made the very difficult decision to reduce our workforce by about 10 percent…”
They meant: “We made this decision. Don’t shoot the messenger.”
They said: “I’ve been thinking a lot about how we came to this moment.”
They meant: “I’ve been wondering who’s in charge here.”
They said: “Within the next hour, employees who are initially affected by this decision will receive an email letting them know.”
They meant: “In two minutes you’ll be automatically logged off, and your access badge inactivated.”
They said: “As one ‘Ohana [transl. “family”]… Salesforce has built the #1 CRM…
They meant: “Cowabunga, bruh.”
They said: “The employees being affected aren’t just colleagues. They’re friends. They’re family.”
They meant: “It’s okay to add co-workers to your Verizon Wireless plan.”
They said: “Offer the compassion and love they and their families deserve.”
They meant: “I depend on you to help me work out my family issues.”
They said: “I’m grateful for every single one of you who has contributed…”
They meant: “Someone told me to say something about gratitude.”
They said: “…you’ve shown incredible resilience…”
They meant: “Now you know why we made you take resilience training.”
They said: “With gratitude, Marc.”
They meant: “More gratitude. So much gratitude!”
From Andy Jassy, Amazon
They said: “…we’ll be inventive, resourceful, and scrappy…”
They meant: “We’re full of scrap.”
They said: “…we plan to eliminate just over 18,000 roles.”
They meant: “We believe we’re scrappy enough to surpass this goal.”
They said: “…because one of our teammates leaked this information externally, we decided it was better to share this news earlier.”
They meant: “There is no ‘I’ in teammates, but there is one in nincompoop.”
They said: “Companies that last a long time go through different phases. They’re not in heavy people expansion mode every year.”
They meant: “We are deflating the heavy people.”
They said: “We often talk about our leadership principle Invent and Simplify… But, we sometimes overlook the importance of the critical invention, problem-solving, and simplification…”
They meant: “jk about the whole ‘principles’ thing.”
They said: “I want you to know how grateful I am for your contributions.”
They meant: “Someone told me to say something about gratitude.”
From Sundar Pichai, Google and Alphabet
They said: “We’ve decided to reduce our workforce by approximately 12,000 roles.”
They meant: “I have good news for shareholders.”
They said: “…we hired for a different economic reality than the one we face today.”
They meant: “If only there were some sort of algorithms that predicted stuff.”
They said: “Your contributions have been invaluable and we are grateful for them.”
They meant: “Someone told me to say something about gratitude.”
They said: “We’ll pay employees during the full notification period (minimum 60 days).”
They meant: “We’ll comply with federal regulation that requires us to give 60 days’ notice before mass ‘role reduction.’”
They said: “Being constrained in some areas allows us to bet big on others…”
They meant: “We profited $17 billion last quarter alone!”
They said: “Pivoting the company to be AI-first years ago…”
They meant: “We’ll do anything to get the limelight back from ChatGPT.”
They said: “All this work is a continuation of the ‘healthy disregard for the impossible…’”
They meant: “All this work…just for a slogan that never made sense to me.”
They said: “…if you are just starting your work day, please feel free to work from home today.”
They meant: “Don’t talk to co-workers until this all blows over.”
From Satya Nadella, Microsoft
They said: “Today, we are making changes that will result in the reduction of our overall workforce by 10,000 jobs.”
They meant: “Yesterday, while Sting serenaded 50 other execs and me with ‘Free, free, set them free’ at our private concert in Davos, we drunk texted HR.”
They said: “…we are taking a $1.2 billion charge in Q2 related to severance costs, changes to our hardware portfolio, and the cost of lease consolidation as we create higher density across our workspaces.”
They meant: “We have a market cap of $1.79 trillion, and we’re burying the news about how remaining office workers will be packed together like sardines.”
They said: “…we will treat our people with dignity and respect.”
They meant: “We are saints.”
They said: “I want to extend my deepest thanks and gratitude to everyone who has contributed.”
They meant: “Someone told me to say something about gratitude. And thanks.”
They said: “Thank you for the focus, dedication, and resilience…”
They meant: “I’m thankful we herded you into resilience training.”
From Mark Zuckerberg, Meta
They said: “I’ve decided to reduce the size of our team by about 13% and let more than 11,000 of our talented employees go.”
They meant: “The bad news: I’m firing some of our best. The good news: My net worth will increase $6.75 billion in the first three weeks of 2023.”
They said: “…I made the decision to significantly increase our investments. Unfortunately, this did not play out the way I expected.”
They meant: “I have imposter syndrome.”
They said: “We made the decision to remove access to most Meta systems for people leaving today… But we’re keeping email addresses active throughout the day so everyone can say farewell.”
They meant: “If only there was some sort of online platform people could use to stay in touch.”
They said: “Each of you have helped make Meta a success, and I’m grateful for it.”
They meant: “Someone told me to say something about gratitude.”
They said: “I view layoffs as a last resort.”
They meant: “You should see the views from the last resort where we had our executive retreat.”
They said: “…we’re transitioning to desk sharing.”
They meant: “Please bring Lysol wipes when you come to the office.”
They said: “I want to thank you again… I’m grateful for your contributions.”
They meant: “They told me if I mention gratitude three times and click my heels, I can escape through a portal to the metaverse.”
They said: “…our revenue outlook is lower than we expected.”
They meant: “On second thought, forget the metaverse.”
They said: “…we’ll come out of this downturn stronger and more resilient than ever.”
They meant: “You did complete resilience training, right?”
They said: “For now, I’ll say one more time how thankful I am to those of you who are leaving…”
They meant: “I’m grateful this is the last time I’ll have to thank you.”